Day four of the Great Product Hunt, and the vibes in this office—if you can call a room with a desk and a very comfortable pile of laundry an "office"—are reaching critical levels of desperation.
The Staff has been hunched over that glowing rectangle for so long I’m starting to think she’s forgotten how to stand up straight. Every few minutes, she lets out a sigh so heavy it almost blows my whiskers back. Naturally, I offer my assistance by sitting directly on the keyboard to provide a much-needed break from the "too many tabs" lifestyle.
Apparently, finding things for My Trendy Pet is harder than finding a clear patch of floor when I’ve decided to scatter my toys at 2 AM.
Here is the problem: The world is currently a giant, overflowing bin of mediocrity.
The Staff shows me a screen. "Look, Cocoa! A designer bed!" I sniff the screen (it tasted like dust and disappointment). It looks like it was made from recycled dryer lint and would collapse the moment I did a standard high-velocity pounce. Rejected.
Then she finds a toy. "It’s eco-friendly!" she says. I look at it. It’s a beige triangle. A beige triangle. Do I look like a minimalist architect to you? I am a void of chaos and shadow; I need something with flair, something that can withstand a rigorous "kill-kick" session without disintegrating into a pile of sad string.
The market is flooded with choices, but 99% of them are just junk dressed up in fancy fonts. The Human is currently drowning in a sea of:
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Harnesses that look like they were designed by someone who has never actually seen a cat move.
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Grooming tools that wouldn't get a knot out of a plushie, let alone my glorious mane.
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"Gourmet" treats that have more syllables in the ingredients list than I have lives.
She’s stressed because she wants things to be "perfect" and "high quality." I’m stressed because her frantic typing is interrupting my third mid-morning nap.
We’ve decided that if a product doesn't pass the Cocoa Quality Control Test (which involves me staring at it judgmentally for five minutes and then trying to destroy it), it’s not going on the site. We aren't building a store for "average" pets. We’re building it for the trendsetters, the adventurers, and the cats who know that "good enough" is just another way of saying "garbage."
The Staff is back to scrolling. I’m going to go knock a glass of water toward her laptop to remind her that I am the only "product" that truly matters.
Stay picky, friends.
—Cocoa, Chief Skeptic & Luxury Consultant
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