The Audacity of the "Standard" Cat Bed
I saw a prototype today. It was beige. Beige. Do I look like a corporate accountant named Gary? No. I am a long-haired, obsidian-coated vision of British excellence.
If a bed doesn't look good enough to be featured in a London loft, it isn't entering the Cocoa the Trendy Pet inventory. My humans—I mean, my staff—tried to tell me that "most cats just like boxes." While statistically true, it’s remarkably off-brand. We are building an empire of aesthetic dominance here, not a recycling center.
A Note on Grooming (and Why You’re Doing it Wrong)
Being this fabulous isn’t an accident. It takes roughly six hours of vigorous licking and three hours of staring intensely at a wall to achieve this level of gloss.
I’ve noticed some of you "Influencer Pets" out there looking a bit... stray. If your fur has more knots than a sailor's rope, darling, we need to talk about our new Slicker-Than-You brush line. It’s ergonomic for the humans, which I suppose matters, but more importantly, it makes me look like I’ve just stepped out of a salon in Knightsbridge.
What’s "In" and What’s Bin-Worthy
As the final arbiter of taste, here is my weekly decree:
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IN: Velvet collars (strictly jewel tones), scratching posts that look like mid-century modern art, and judging humans for their choice in reality television.
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OUT: Laser pointers (it’s a cheap psychological trick and we all know it), kibble that smells like cardboard, and the word "moist."
"I’m not demanding. I’m just highly specialized." — Me, every time the staff is five minutes late with the salmon pate.
The Bottom Line
We have some new drops coming next week. They’re chic, they’re overpriced, and your pet will probably still sit on your laptop instead. But at least the house will look better.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is a very specific patch of sunlight in the hallway that requires my immediate presence.
Stay Trendy (or try to, at least),
Cocoa CEO, Visionary, and Local Menace
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