Employee Review: Why "The Staff" Still Has Her Job (For Now)

February 12, 2026

Listen, being the CEO of a growing empire like Cocoa the Trendy Pet is exhausting. Between conducting three-hour naps and maintaining the high-gloss shine of my long black fur, I barely have time to manage "The Staff"—you likely know her as Kristen.

Since we’re currently based in the Saint Andrews/Columbia area, I’ve decided it’s time for a public performance review of her recent efforts.

1. The 4:00 AM "Breakfast Strategy" Meeting

Kristen’s attendance at my early-morning strategy sessions has been spotty at best. While I’ve authorized the use of that automatic water fountain to keep me hydrated, nothing replaces the manual labor of a human opening a fresh bag of treats.

The Critique: She often uses "sleep" as an excuse for tardiness.
The Verdict: Needs improvement. I am a long-haired black cat of a certain stature; my metabolism waits for no one.

2. Management of the "Unpaid Interns"

I share this office space with two other cats—Oreo and Peeps. I call them "The Interns," though their primary contribution to our e-commerce business seems to involve sitting on the shipping labels Kristen is trying to print.

The Observation: Kristen spends an equal amount of time giving them chin scratches as she does me.
The Verdict: Unacceptable. I am the face of the brand; they are background extras.

3. Product Testing and Perks

I will admit, the "fringe benefits" of this job are satisfactory. Kristen recently brought home the Chocolate Brown Pet Tote, and while she thinks it's for "traveling to Charlotte," I’ve claimed it as my secondary executive office.

The Feature: It has a machine-washable sherpa pad, which is vital because I tend to leave a professional dusting of black fur wherever I sit.
The PlayKat Initiative: She also set up the PlayKat smart toy and actually used the app to put it in "Active Mode" while I was trying to audit the kitchen.
The Verdict: Exceeds expectations. If she keeps the high-tech toys coming, I might not fire her this quarter.

"I don't just run the company; I am the company. Kristen just handles the heavy lifting and the Wi-Fi password." > — Cocoa, CEO

Cocoa’s Final Grade: B+ She’s doing a decent job with the shop expansion, but she really needs to work on her treat-delivery speed. For now, she can stay.