It’s February. The month where humans lose their collective minds over heart-shaped boxes and forced displays of affection.
The Staff is currently attempting to “theme” the office. She’s draped a piece of red tinsel over my favorite monitor, which I have systematically shredded into festive confetti. You’re welcome, Brenda. (I know her name isn’t Brenda, but she’s acting like a Brenda today).
She’s also been scouring the internet for “Valentine’s Day Pet Gifts.” I caught a glimpse of her screen—she was looking at a sweater with a giant knitted heart on it. I gave her my most soul-piercing stare until she closed the tab. I am a creature of the night, a void of mystery, a tactical hunter. I do not wear knitwear that makes me look like a strawberry.
The State of the Shop: Heart-Eyes and Spreadsheet Sighs
The Human is still very much in the “learning” phase of this online store business. This morning, I watched her try to upload a new product photo while simultaneously drinking coffee. A brave choice. Three minutes later, she was googling “how to get espresso out of a mechanical keyboard.”
Despite the technical fumbles, she’s still out there in the trenches, fighting the war against mediocre products. She’s currently frustrated because a supplier tried to sell us “luxury” beds that are basically just oversized sponges covered in cheap polyester.
“But Cocoa,” she whimpers, “the listing says they’re bestsellers!”
I don’t care if they’re sold at the gates of heaven, Brenda. If my claws go right through the fabric upon first contact, it’s not going on My Trendy Pet. We are building an empire, not a garage sale.
The Only True Love Language
While the Staff is obsessed with finding "cute" things for the holiday, I’ve had to remind her of the only three things that constitute true love in a pet’s world:
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Consistency: Dinner at 6:00 PM. Not 6:05 PM. I’m not a monster.
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Elevation: A place to sit where I can look down on everyone else (see: The Penthouse Perch).
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High-Quality Friction: If a brush doesn't feel like a professional massage, don't bring it near my mane.
She’s working on it. She’s currently surrounded by three different types of "interactive" feeders, trying to figure out which one is actually "smart" and which one is just a plastic bowl with an ego. I’ll let her struggle for another hour before I walk across her desk and point to the winner.
Stay picky, stay cynical, and for the love of all things fluffy, do not let your human put a hat on you this week.
—Cocoa, CEO & Professional Heartbreaker
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