Confessions of a Trendy House Cat

Confessions of a Trendy House Cat - Cocoa The Trendy Pet

by Cocoa the Trendy Pet

Hello, internet.
It’s me, Cocoa—professional napper, part-time zoomie athlete, full-time furniture critic.

You might know me from my hit reality series:
“Human Buys Cat Stuff and Hopes I Approve.”
Today, I’m giving you a behind-the-scenes look at my glamorous life as a trendy pet and unofficial CEO of this household.

1. My Morning Routine (AKA: Waking the Staff)

Humans say they “set an alarm.”
That’s adorable.

I am the alarm.

Step 1: Pre-dawn reconnaissance
Around 4:37 a.m., I begin with light, tasteful meowing. Not too loud—just enough to whisper:

“I could starve at any moment, Susan.”

Step 2: Tactics escalate
If they ignore me (rude), I move to advanced strategies:

  • Delicate tap-tap-tap on the bedroom door
  • Interpretive dance on their chest
  • Chewing on the loudest, crinkliest plastic item I can find

By 5:02 a.m., a groggy human appears. My mission is complete.
I take three bites of food… then walk away.

Because it’s not about the food.
It’s about control.

2. My Interior Design Philosophy

My humans think they decorate the house.
That’s cute.

I follow a strict design style called “Fur-ward Minimalism”:

  • Any black clothing must have at least 47 cat hairs before leaving the house
  • Rugs? Excellent for abstract claw art
  • Couch corners? Consider them “distressed vintage” now

They recently brought home a cat scratch board and a giant plush cat tree to “save the furniture.”

Joke’s on them—I love both.
Now I scratch those on purpose and the couch on principle.

3. Life in the Cat Tree Penthouse

Let’s talk about my new real estate portfolio.

The Cat Tree

My cat tree is a multi-level luxury condo with:

  • Climbing plates (my private gym)
  • Spacious cat caves (my panic room when the vacuum appears)
  • Natural sisal scratching posts (manicure station)
  • Soft plush beds (as seen in all my best nap selfies)
  • A dangling jingle ball (my sworn enemy and favorite toy)

Sometimes the humans call it “the cat tower.”
I prefer “Sky Lounge & Spa.”

The Scratch Board Lounge

Then there’s my corrugated cardboard lounge.

It’s not just a scratcher. It’s:

  • Runway
  • Throne
  • Personal cardboard yacht

They even sprinkle catnip on it like it’s garnish on a fancy dish.
I roll dramatically, kick the air, and pretend I don’t know they’re filming me for social media.

I do.
I just like the attention.

4. The Human Enrichment Program

People talk about “cat enrichment toys” a lot.
Let’s flip this.

Here are my favorite ways to enrich my humans:

  1. Laptop Interference Therapy
    Whenever they open a laptop, I must sit on it.
    Not only is it warm, but it reminds them to take breaks and contemplate my beauty.

  2. Doorway Philosophy
    I sit in doorways.
    Am I going in? Coming out? Guarding the room?
    No one knows.
    It builds their patience and mystery tolerance.

  3. Random Midnight Parkour
    At 2 a.m., I bounce off every surface in the house.
    Cardio for me. Adrenaline training for them.

  4. Selective Affection
    I ignore them all day…
    Then at the exact moment they have to get up, I curl into the cutest cuddle ball on their lap.
    Emotional growth through guilt.

5. Product Testing: Cocoa-Style

Since I am now a trendy pet influencer, the humans keep “surprising” me with new products.

Here is my official testing process:

  • Sniff once
  • Pretend not to care
  • Walk away
  • Come back at 3 a.m.
  • Lose my mind with joy when no one is watching

If they buy something just for me and I immediately sit in the cardboard box it came in, that’s not rejection.
That’s performance art.

6. Why I’m Obsessed with My New Gear

Let’s be clear: I am picky.

But these new toys?
They passed the Cocoa Test.

  • The cat tree is tall enough for me to judge everyone from above
  • The soft plush fabric makes my naps positively cinematic
  • The scratching posts let me sharpen my claws without hearing, “Cocoa, NOOOO” every 12 minutes
  • The cardboard scratch lounge is exactly the right shape for:
    • Scratching
    • Napping
    • Judging
    • Dramatic flops

It’s like my humans finally understood:
I don’t just need toys.
I need infrastructure.

7. Advice from Cocoa for Fellow Trendy Pets

To my fellow cats (and the humans who secretly read this out loud to them):

  • If your human buys you a cat tree, immediately use the highest platform. This establishes dominance and better window views.
  • Always pretend you’re not interested in the new scratcher… until they’re on a Zoom call. Then unleash your most chaotic scratching performance.
  • Rotate nap spots frequently. Keeps the humans guessing and spreads fur evenly.

8. Final Thoughts from Your Feline Influencer

I live a busy life:
Napping 16 hours a day, sprinting at ghost particles, supervising bathroom trips, and insisting on opening a door only to stare into the hallway.

But having my plush cat tree penthouse and my cardboard scratch lounge makes my job as a trendy pet so much easier.

They’re my stage.
My gym.
My spa.
My throne.

And if my humans think they bought these to “keep me entertained” and “save the furniture,” that’s fine.

Let them believe that.

We both know who really runs this house.

Purrs and side-eye,
Cocoa the Trendy Pet 🐾

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